I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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