took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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