did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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