do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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