I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
