suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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