Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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