yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
