girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success