Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
25 Men Talk About the First Time They Went Down On A Woman
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
23 Ex Fraternity Brothers & Sorority Sisters Confess Their Most Insane Stories
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY