why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
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i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
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I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy