just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina