I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
