why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
