Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
