someone threw a dead crab at me
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
