please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
