I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
