Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
