Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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