you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
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