He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
