i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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