Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
