are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
