my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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