He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
