Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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