i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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