I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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