you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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