Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
