According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
