Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
