thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
