if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
