I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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