Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
