I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Randomize
