mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
