And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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