currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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