Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Bring me that man meat
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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