Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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