I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
