those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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