Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
