The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
