my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
