Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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