The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
