my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
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I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
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Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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