Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
