At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
