My friends, they love my intelligence
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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