The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
