Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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