I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
