Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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