Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
